When every step feels like a marathon and the smell of anything sweet turns your face pale and your throat acidic. Sunlight burns your retinas like high powered lasers. If temperamental is your state of mind and your stomach is in knots you most likely have been afflicted by the hangover virus.
The Hangover, scientific name Alcoholis Toomuchish, is a viral disease spread by a insect called the Dehydration Hornet. This particular hornet is not related to the normal run of the mill hornet in any way, shape, and/or form. Its actually more closely related to its cousin the Africanized Red Spotted Pygmy Mosquito. Once disturbed the Dehydration Hornet will stalk its pray from a distance silently until the said victim or victims falls asleep from exhaustion, that's when it strikes. Like gasoline to a fire the virus spreads through a victims body, coursing through the unlucky chaps veins like a tornado of fire and chainsaws. After only one sting the average adult victim is normally infected by Alcoholis Toomuchish. The virus has a incubation period depending on many variables including but not limited to: age, weight, and liquid intake; normally the time period for the virus to take hold is around 3-7 hours and may effect a person for up to 36 hours.
But have I really been infected? Probably.
If your symptoms include: nausea, vertigo, unexplainable injuries, dizziness, extreme narcolepsy, missing money, dental injuries, various moving violations, rashes or bumps, clothes malfunctions, sensitivity to light or sound, anger, vomiting, migrans, muscle twitches, divorce, contusions, disregard for human life, depression, missing friends, anxiety, fear, and death you have been infected.
Holy shittlesticks batman! I'm so screwed! How do I get rid of it?! Well Robin, first off cool your jets, I am no medical doctor but I did get a PHD from Willies online school of janitorial engineering so I am an expert at this subject. Step 1) acquire a low sugar, water based, electrolyte infused beverage. Step 1, Part B) Drink said liquid. Step 2) locate pants and attach them to your bottom half of your torso. Step 3) Shower, a freshly clean body always raises the moral level. Step 4) Secure a new pair of dry pants if you wore pants from Step 2 into the shower. Step 5) Nap all day. Preferably on a couch or a chair that is a equipped with a reclining option while some sort of entertainment on the television if you own one, I recommend something humorous as it will take your mind off of the previous nights poor choices.
Locations and actions you should never attempt whilst hungover- airplane rides, airports as a whole, musical plays, anything to with opera or showtime tunes, nascar races, pet stores, safaris, scuba diving, death metal concerts, time traveling, bobsledding fan club meet and greets, boxing matches, swampboat tours, rollercoasters, shooting ranges, mountain climbing, fencing tournaments, the entire city of Houston, Oprahs book club meetings, sugar refinery tours, gyms, pogo stick enthusiast clubs, anywhere bright, hot, or loud, yachts, international business meetings, the internet, swings and hammocks, presidential press conferences, the Home Depo, naval ship yards, lawn work in general, parkor challenges, hiking, tattoo parlors, skydiving, waterdiving, welding metal, wineries, lakes, oceans, rivers if they are more than ankle deep, pawnshops, hot air balloon rides, graveyards, and police stations.
Sit back, try to relax, and drink a beer... It'll cure what ales ya.
No comments:
Post a Comment