Why do frozen food companies always insist on giving you instructions for cooking based on the wattage of the microwave? I think it's an inside joke to them, they know we have no clue on how many watts a microwaves is! They have to know. Those pricks.
Have you ever tried to find what a microwaves wattage is? It requires a Geiger meter, google, tin foil, special lava-resistant gloves, and a motorcycle helmet.
Seriously, this information isn’t printed on the front of a microwave where you would expect to find it. Being it's the most commonly used microwave-power measuring unit it should be in plain sight, right? I don’t even think it is on the sides of most microwaves. Ovens have a dial on the front to select the amount of heat you want, why can’t I get a simple number on the front of the nuker so I know how long to cook my kid-cuisine?! …. Don’t nock it, it comes with a brownie!
What do I have to do to find the wattage? Pick it up and look underneath it? Have you ever picked up a heavily used microwave? The things you discover growing underneath there are scary enough to frighten Stephen King. Then there is the cooked on “food” or what was once food. You end up getting disgusting, sticky, smelly, old, once-food crumbs and juice all over your hands when you pick up a microwave. I am pretty sure this material is highly toxic or at the least carcinogenic.
I am not trained on how to handle this hazardous waste, nor do I have the protective equipment and a decontamination tent required for touching goo that has eyes and a set of teeth. Pssh to all of that horse manure. I have things to do, like: drinking beer and heating my fifteen-pound 4 million calorie Hungry-Man dinner up to magma temperatures.
My current method for cooking frozen foods is this: I add thirty minutes to the “suggested” cooking time, drink six beers, then stare at orange colored nuclear-blast-glow coming from the kitchen until my eyes feel too sticky to blink. I consider it a success if the food is cool enough to eat after the fallout clears, normally around 5 years, depending on the wind flow.
I guess I’ll be eating in about 1,824 days, 23 hours, and 55 minutes… If you don’t hear from me in a week or so it’s because I probably mutated into something cool.
