Science Adventure

My girlfriend Tiffany has two adorable children, Josh who is 7 and Hailey who is 6. Normally when I come home from work to her house they are bouncing off the walls and acting like squirrels hopped up on PCP with jetpacks attached to their backs. Yesterday they where both in a particularly calmer mood. So on a leap of faith I hoped to do something with them that didn't involve them staring at the TV or computer like a zombie, their usual preferred activity. 

I asked Hailey if she wanted to do a puzzle, she agreed and I sent her on a journey to the closet to bring us a activity, she found a kids microscope that had a broken light/mirror mount instead of a puzzle. After a failed attempt of fixing it with superglue and interesting language I taped a bright flashlight onto the base and we where in business. 

My proudest moment was when Josh got off the computer, which he is perpetually glued to for the games, on his own accord to come on a 'science adventure' outside with Hailey and I, (YES OUTSIDE! Where there is oxygen, trees, and nature!) to find leaves and "pond juice" to peer at through the microscope. 

All I know is I went to bed proud that I planted the seed to loving science in them.

Fragility.

The world is full of danger. Some fast & loud, some lethargic & stealthy.

The main side effect of life is death. Finality.

Work hard or dodge responsibility, eat healthy or pig out on fast food, exercise or sit on your butt; no matter the choice you make the result is eventually the same: cardiac arrest and a lovely coffin.

It scares me in a way, my upbringing tells me that there is another life for us beyond this existence, but part of me wonders if we just fertilize grass until our bones turn to dust.

Life is fragile, I have lived my whole life in a half-cocked manner; I haven’t been fragile with anything, not love, nor money, nor my body.

The fragility of this existence is starting to finally soak in, maybe too early, maybe too late.

A bio... Or something like it.

I am taking a class to become a certified Emergency Medical Tech and our instructor decided to give us easy quiz grade by making us turn in a one page bio on ourselves, so far this is what I have. I think it accurately tells the story of my life.

Heart attack, stroke, mesothelioma, lymphoma, and testicular cancer are among a few of the common ways a firefighter may meet his maker; oh and asphyxiation, being crushed, run over, and even drown if he or she is having a really ‘lucky’ day. Sounds like a pleasant day-to-day job doesn’t it? Why on this great green earth would I want to be vaulted into a career involving almost certain unpleasant death in one form or another? It’s pretty simple; I have a touch of what the experts call “insanity.”

I was created in the winter of 1985, probably during a night of heavy drinking and some God-awful 80’s hair music. I disliked living arrangement as an infant, mostly due to my lack of freedom and the restrictions on alcohol intake, so at the age of 5 months with a hobo sack of peanut butter and anchovy sandwiches I hit the road for a new start. I spent most of my early days being raised by Africanized Monarch Butterflies and practicing the dark art of karate by fighting bears, lions, and the occasional park ranger that tried to turn me over to the authorities. By the tender age of 10 I was already a master at riding boxcars and living off the land, and by “land” I mean eating out of dumpsters. At 14, I stole my first car, a 1925 Ford Model T from a museum, the culmination of that story was also my first introduction to juvenile hall. “Juvee”, as the regulars called it, was a fine establishment, full of astute gentlemen that had a wealth of knowledge on the finer points of breaking and entering, street chemistry, and document forging. A few months after my stint in the pen I decided to clean up my life, I got off the ether, cut off my relationship with Gertrude (my favorite ‘lady of the night’ that gave discounts to minors), and decided to join the military. It took hours and hours to learn all that I needed to know pass the General Educational Development exam for the state of Texas, luckily shoe tying wasn’t a requirement. Attaining my GED and pushing myself to read at a 3rd grade level where the three biggest accomplishments to date. I have never been prouder of myself! From here I decided it was time to jump into the Air Force with both feet, luckily the recruiter had just the job for me: defecation and liquid waste management! I was finally a manager! The time in the Air Force has just flown by, I have dealt with excrement all over the world, and it truly is a pooptastic planet.

Seven and a half years of loving the Air Force have taught me a lot, but I decided I wanted a change and needed a challenge, that’s what brought me here to FMTI. I am currently perusing options with changing jobs within the Air Force while enhanceifying my resume in the event I want go back to the civilian sector. I think my honest friends would describe me like this: “Austin is like a taco wrapped in another taco, he is a taco squared, you can’t get any better than two tacos in one.” I know I am a pretty humble awesome guy, but I am sure you want to know about me deep down, right? Well my biggest strength is obviously my huge guns and my only weakness is the dark (because it’s scary!). My life goals include- not killing a healthy patient accidently, gaining the knowledge needed to be a cold-blooded rock-star EMT, and buying a helicopter with pontoon skids.

I am not a weather guy, but I forecast accomplishing my goals with the awesome training here at FMTI.

What comes next? Who knows, only God and my probation officer can stop me.

Don't worry..

Don't worry, I didn't forget about this little project..

In the mean time here is some wisdom...

Stay classy St Dieeego!

Dude smelled like old chili and sweaty boots.

Long story short, I got in a little verbal altercation with some Afghani civilian worker who cut me off in the sandwich line at the dining facility today.. He went around the line to the front and cut me and an Army guy I work with... Once I figured out he spoke english I confronted him and told him pretty much: "look dude, I know yall have lines in your country too, you know how this works, so don't ever f--king do that again.." The dude smelled like old chili and sweaty boots. We almost got in a verbal fight after he scoffed said something like "what are you talking about, you weren't there" (I was clearly standing right next to him, he even looked right at us as he did it). From there it was just a blind fury of sandwich hunger induced anger.. Next time I am throwing his sandwich on the ground, he will understand that I imagine.

It was almost as bad as the time the strange Croation soldier guy kept 'fixing' the grill by turning it off everytime we would try to turn it on..

Him- "no, no, I turn on miiix powerz, you turn grill ouff"
Me: "what are you talking about? the grill is clearly not on now.."

That back and forth banter went on for a good ten minutes. My sandwich was no where near satisfactory, by any means, not in taste nor in texture, I blame Croatia on that one. Yes, the whole country.

THIS IS AMERICA! THIS SANDWICH DISRESPECT WILL NOT STAND!

Grin and bear it

Try to smile, just grin and bear it. Don’t let this be what makes you solemn.

Maybe the world is weighing down on you, maybe your brow is furrowed from the bills and lack of money in your pocket, maybe your friend has become an acquaintance, or maybe your boss is blowhard with his sights set on you. Maybe you are just troubled by keeping up with the Joneses and their two car garage, 2.5 nuclear tv-trained kids, and above ground pool. Maybe an inferno love has cooled to room temperature. Who knows what’s on your mind, but I am here to tell you don’t let those little things that are keeping you down be the same things that drown you in a pool of pity.

You may be a lot like me, you may swallow it all it all until your at the point of snapping like a pice of taut wire. Don’t do this my friends, don’t be afraid to vent a little steam to the ones who care.

Maybe it’s a sign, maybe your life is about to take a change; who knows? Not I. Just grin and bear it my friends, don’t be so solemn.

Sometimes.

Toeing rocks, little pebbles of rocks to and fro. Life is pretty simple sometimes; you live, love, laugh, cry, and die. Sometimes things are a little less than amazing, but worry not my friends; the world is full of beauty. Being swept away in a whirlwind of love or hate isn’t something most plan on; the places you go, the things you see may make you, but the people you meet are a constant. If I had a son and the only advice I could give him would be to never be what he wasn’t. If I had a daughter I would tell her to always hold her chin up and never let some silly fret get her down. If I could give my best friend a word of courage I’d give him a whole sentence. If I could give my mother 20 years I would tell her to do it all over again, every mistake, every friend would still be there for years to come. If I could give my dog some advice I would be diagnosing the doctor. Sometimes I say something worthwhile. Sometimes.

The little things in life, that’s what gets them down sometimes. Hoards of people walk by spewing their stories, tales of laughter and heartache, I’ve heard them all. Life you see, is one big story. Sometimes the nicest thing a man can do is to shut up and listen to someone’s novel. Sometimes the worst thing a man can do is to make someone listen to their story.
Who am I? I wonder this sometimes. I am 25, a quarter century old. I have seen places that some haven’t, I have thought things that most don’t. I try to go at life in a manner that some may recount later, I try not to be the punch-line, but sometimes it happens. I try to smile through the grit sometimes, I try to laugh at those demons when the rear their ugly heads. I am by no mean a strong man, but hell, sometimes I do what’s right.

Sometimes it’s best to not worry about the near and far, but the in-between. Sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to. Sometimes you get what you want. Sometimes you have to splurge. Sometimes it’s best to swallow your pride, heck that’s most times. Sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind. Sometimes the assumptions are correct. Sometimes money is the worst thing a man can need. Sometimes the rules are right, sometimes. Sometimes a long trip alone is all you need. Sometimes making someone smile is the best gift you can give. Sometimes that light your chasing down the tunnel turns out to be a train. Sometimes you have to fight. Sometimes contrast is what you need. Sometimes..

The great wattage battle.

Why do frozen food companies always insist on giving you instructions for cooking based on the wattage of the microwave? I think it's an inside joke to them, they know we have no clue on how many watts a microwaves is! They have to know. Those pricks.

Have you ever tried to find what a microwaves wattage is? It requires a Geiger meter, google, tin foil, special lava-resistant gloves, and a motorcycle helmet.

Seriously, this information isn’t printed on the front of a microwave where you would expect to find it. Being it's the most commonly used microwave-power measuring unit it should be in plain sight, right? I don’t even think it is on the sides of most microwaves. Ovens have a dial on the front to select the amount of heat you want, why can’t I get a simple number on the front of the nuker so I know how long to cook my kid-cuisine?! …. Don’t nock it, it comes with a brownie!

What do I have to do to find the wattage? Pick it up and look underneath it? Have you ever picked up a heavily used microwave? The things you discover growing underneath there are scary enough to frighten Stephen King. Then there is the cooked on “food” or what was once food. You end up getting disgusting, sticky, smelly, old, once-food crumbs and juice all over your hands when you pick up a microwave. I am pretty sure this material is highly toxic or at the least carcinogenic.

I am not trained on how to handle this hazardous waste, nor do I have the protective equipment and a decontamination tent required for touching goo that has eyes and a set of teeth. Pssh to all of that horse manure. I have things to do, like: drinking beer and heating my fifteen-pound 4 million calorie Hungry-Man dinner up to magma temperatures.

My current method for cooking frozen foods is this: I add thirty minutes to the “suggested” cooking time, drink six beers, then stare at orange colored nuclear-blast-glow coming from the kitchen until my eyes feel too sticky to blink. I consider it a success if the food is cool enough to eat after the fallout clears, normally around 5 years, depending on the wind flow.

I guess I’ll be eating in about 1,824 days, 23 hours, and 55 minutes… If you don’t hear from me in a week or so it’s because I probably mutated into something cool.

Above all: live for today, live period.

Buzzes and whirs of machinery bring the gaunt figure in the hospital bed oxygen and ultimately life. The gaunt figure is a frail old lady, this aging woman is my grandmother; at one time she was the talk of her high school, now she the patient in room 512.

The view from my vinyl covered hospital chair is stark, on the wall to my left there is a white dry-erase board with her doctor’s name and the multiple staff members assigned to help ease her through this rough patch in her life. The multiple doctors, squads of nurses, and umpteen other hospice assistants aren’t here to heal her; there is no healing that can be done for old age unfortunately.

“Such is life”, this is what she would probably say if she could muster the energy for more than a few audible words; that saying was a staple of my grandmother’s philosophy on anything from bills to sickness; “Such is life”.

Two bites of a strawberry milkshake, that is all she can manage now, only two bites. Once this was one of her favorite guilty pleasures is now something she can only summon the effort for two spoonfuls. I wish now that I could go back in time and bring her a milkshake she could enjoy; a simple gift from the future for her past. The styrofoam cup sits on her bedside table, full still, half-melted with wet condensation dripping from its pores; a sign of defeat.

Until recently she was a talker, I remember vivid stories of her life; things that they make movies about: love, war, the moon landing, the “great storm of 19__”, and epic road trips. Now she speaks mostly in whispers and doesn’t have the strength to talk much.

I feel remorseful sitting next to her; I should’ve listened hard when she gave advice, this woman lived through it all, both feast and famine. There is no taking back the past though, all I can do is hope for a few fleeting words that I can carry with me the rest of my life. I don’t want the answers to life, just a few cliff notes.

God brings us sunshine and rain; both birth and passing. We, the universal “we”, us, humanity, must accept death in our own hearts individually. Understanding Death 101 isn’t a college class, nor is there a cell phone application for this life lesson. Ultimately the choice to remain optimistic about what we have left is ours.

When you look into a dying person’s eyes you seem to undoubtedly reflect on your own life; its choices and tribulations, goals you achieved and didn’t, love you felt, and most definitely any hate you have wasted your time on. These things resound through my mind to its core today.

Reflectively, I sit here and think of all the memories I can conjure, both the hard times and the funny stories; just trying to absorb it all.

I remember how I saw my grandmother when I was a young child; she was fun, she was crazy, but most of all she was bold. Physically she may be a fraction of the women she once was, but she is still teaching me lessons. Whether she knows it or not, her glossy cataract eyes are saying things in the clearest tone I have ever heard.

I have this wonderful lady to thank for today’s lesson: Be bold, and never give up until you have been beaten into submission. Above all: live for today, live period.



(March 27, 2011)

Some of my favorite pictures..

Some of the pictures that I have taken... Some new, some old.  Enjoy!

 My little brother Sam clowning around.

Katy Heritage Park

Retro Heat

Utopia is soooo close...

This one looks really nice in print form.

If you don't know what the Greaybeard is, don't worry about it.... Kinda like Fight Club.

 I apparently can't bring dead deer back to life.

MC and my little sis Shan.

A tree shadowing the sunset at Lake Somerville. 

This one of Amanda turned out great. It was her birthday, that's cake icing on her face. 

West TX in all its glory.

Sam's second appearance in this set; that luck mofo.

 New York, New York. It is truly a hellava town!

 Taken on a camera phone at the right instant.

 On my 24th birthday in 2010 I went skydiving!

Coolest snowman I've ever laid eyes on.

High score?! Does that mean I broke it??

In the last year I have gotten into cycling mildly, today shattered my distance record.  I completed 22.72 miles in about 2 hours flat. Well above my normal max of 17-18 miles in about an hour and a half.

I felt great afterwards, albeit a little sore, I even went on a little 2 mile hike. 

My Scott road bike aka Zippy Mcgee taking a break next to Stillhouse Lake

The dam cool walkway

My truck is down there on the right, about a mile away.

With the purchase of every 22+ mile bike ride you get a free knife in the road!

This dog was not happy with me being near his house.....trailer.

I'd never been so happy to be done with a ride.

Back in the truck with you! You evil device!

I'm glad I wasn't hiking the day this fell.

I still find it amazing this park is so pretty for being in Killeen

The climatic ending to the hike!

All in all today was a great day. I broke a personal record I wasn't sure I could and got to go hiking. Then I drank a bunch of beer and ate great fried delicious food. Life is good!

Seriously Serious

I have been told by a few I wear my emotions on my face, I think this is a bald face lie. I am very robotic and NEVER ever show emotion. Emotions are for women and the French. Especially the French.

Evidence is below. You decide.

You can tell my seriousness by the death grip on the bottle of chammmpagnee.

Sticking it to the 'man'. This is personification of serious.

 Safely driving! As you can tell I am always serious. Never. Show. Emotion. Ever. 

I may be up to "No Good" but I am definitely emotionless in this picture. ALWAYS.

I am so hardcore, you can't even see my face.

I even drink like a robot, look at me! Pure professionalism at all times.

 I'm so serious I make umbrella a verb.

After all of the substantiating evidence it's clear that I am nothing but a serious cold-blooded alpha-male; emotions? Psh that get's in the way of me winning! 

Never Drinkin..*shiver*..*burp*...Again..

All good things must come to an end, that's what she told me last week... I had a rough week, to say the least. Somethings just don't go the way you plan. After a few days of moping around the house I made the decision to celebrate the fact that I am alive and to go tie one on with my friend, Allan.

Al is retiring from the military in a few months so he is all about soaking up any good times before we send him off to 'the home'. He has been in for like 200 years, maybe longer, anyways the dude can drink like a champ. But he was sick last night so he decided he was going to DD for me and coach me in drinking my troubles away. Hell of a spirit guide he is, if I say so myself.

I don't remember much about last night after the hotwings bar where we drank some concoction called a "mind eraser" then the second adult entertainment establishment where Al got onto the stage, but I did capture a few photographic nuggets of gold on my phone camera:

Big Al on stage earning 'dolla bills'. They actually let him get up there as a "retirement gift". Best part was he decided to do this pretty much sober. What a team player.

I know a guy who broke his hand punching this back in 2009. I find it amazing that he apparently isn't the only one who has taken a swing at it. It's barely hanging on!

Wonderful facilities. 

So as the story goes all good things had to come to an end, I had a wonderful boys night out but woke up in with a hangover so bad I couldn't stop sweating and my ceiling fan wasn't the only thing spinning. Thank God I am off work today!

My last bit of advice: don't ever drink something called a Horrible Bomb, it has "horrible" in the name!

Soon to be published work!

I found out in late December that I am going to be a published photographer. Two pictures I took of my Aunt doing some field training with her dog are going to be published in the Apr-May edition of a dog training magazine called Golden Retriever News. I myself am not a dog trainer in the least but I do like dogs so I think it's kind of cool.

Below are the two unaltered pictures that will be in the magazine:

Random Pictures

Some pictures that I have taken:

I wish this was my office

Spotted on I-35 East Bound

Stairway to Heaven?

Utopia is a small place, but a grand little establishment

 The mysterious Blue Goat, seen on a photo safari in Texas

The gourmet cooking of my Brother

 The coolest little bar in southern Louisiana

Hawaii, the most beautiful place I have lived

Mantras

"Positivity and a stick of mint gum; It'll get you through anything. At least that's what I always say." -Dartez

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." -Thoreau

‎"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." -Hemingway

"I have two speeds- 1) destroy everything 2) sleep" -Dartez (originated from my friend Danny)

"I have this harmless habit of being fine wherever I am." -Jason Boland

"People can be noble, people can be cruel; they'll make you president or treat you like a fool. But she always treated me mighty fine." -unk blues song

‎"I love adjectives. I'm actually part of the adjectives club of america." -Dartez

"To be yourself is all that you can do." -Audioslave

‎"We'll never be as young as we is tonight." -Chuck Palahniuk

"Everything burns" -Andrew Fanning

"Love is physics in it's most intangible state" -Dartez

"There is no shortcut to a dream" -Broken Bells

‎"Fault lines should be worn with pride." -Incubus

"I love being the least hungover person out of a group of hungover people. Its a feeling of victory." -Dartez

"A measure of a mans character isn't on their shoulder or sleeve but in their actions." -unk

"Shit'll buff-out; always does." -Dartez

"Attitude and alcohol can alter you mood; music flows thickly into your ears and may change your views; but remember this ladies and gentleman: no matter what one man does, says, or thinks, the sun always will shine on the grass that waves in the morning wind." -Dartez

"The world has its ways to quiet us down." -Jack Johnson

"Brevity is the soul of wit" -Shakespeare (My pops actually taught me that one)

"Power is always dangerous. Power attracts the worst and corrupts the best." -Edward Abbey

"It is never too late to give up our prejudices" -Thoreau

"I can't part the red sea nor build an arc but I can turn hot water into instant coffee on a good day." -Dartez

"All the war-propaganda, all the screaming and lies and hatred, comes invariably from people who are not fighting." -George Orwell

"My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round." -Willie Nelson

"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them." -William 'Bill' Vaughan

"The dawning of a new day brings hope that my unpaved road will be lit by the sunshine that stayed my course yesterday. Optimism is all I can offer for today's trials and tribulations."- Dartez

"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences." -Christopher McCandless

(Compiled Mar 12, 2011)

Pet Dino

Today I have spent all morning on a safari looking for a new friend. A prehistoric pal I can eat nachos with and drink four loko's until dawn. Ya know, normal Dart activities.

I checked with all the pet stores in the local area and you would be surprised to know that they don't sell a single pre-historic creature. No Tyrannosaurus Rex or Velociraptors, not even one single Brontosaurus.

I was shocked!

This my friends is an outrage. I mean what if I want to open my own dinosaur based theme park on a remote tropical island? What am I to do on "bring your pet dinosaur to work day"? And what the hell do I do with the six hundred pounds of meat I bought thinking I was going to need to feed my new carnivorous best friend?! I feel a letter to my senator or government representative is necessary.

I even paid the pet deposit to my landlord, I don't think he will refund me.

It's a sad day in history when a man cant own something God didn't intend him too.

I think we as a nation should form a petition to stop the evil big brother from keeping us and dino's we all heart and love apart.

Please show your support on May 2nd, National Adopt a Dinosaur Day!

(Originally written May 2009)

Kids vs Dogs

Dogs win, plain and simple:

-I can easily choke out a dog for eating my dinner, then bury it in the back yard without the neighbors asking why.
-Kids need school supplies. 
-If I feed my dog beer I don't go to jail.
- Kids legally have to have their shots.
-If my dog doesn't wear a seat-belt its normal and not considered "endangerment".
- I can train my dog to maim intruders, I can't train a kid to do that without seriously worrying about my own safety.
- I have never had to give a dog the 'sex talk' about the opposite sex.
- If I buy a new TV or dirt bike instead of squeaky toys my dog doesn't get upset and need years of therapy.
- Dogs live for 10-14 years tops, then they die; kids live for 80+ years. Basically you get to start over about every decade or so with dogs, kids remember all the dumb stuff you did when they where younger.
- Kids whine when you make them sleep outside or on the floor.
-Dogs are scientifically proven to be a stress reliever, I am pretty sure kids cause cancer.
-Kids are needy and break stuff. Plain and simple. Dogs break stuff too but they are so much more laid back about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Further research:

-I once saw a dog dog that could fetch beer out of a closed refrigerator.
-Chuck Norris would rather have a dog.
-Has a firehouse or college ever used a kid as its mascot? I think not.
and one last one:
-Baby fights are way less exciting than dog fights. Just ask Michael Vick.

Case closed, dogs are better than children. End of story. Goodnight.


(Originally written May 2009)

In my dreams..

I recently had an epiphany: What are all the things I dream about??


In my dreams...
... I can fight lions.
... world peace is never discussed because war doesn't exist.
... the color blue tastes like bananas and the world smells of cedar and sandalwood.
... I visit the moon regularly..
... every meal is perfect and food is copious.
... Albert Einstein makes a mean margarita.
... sloth's outrun cheetahs and monkeys bet on dice.
... shag carpet is still 'in'.
... everyone drives an El Camino.
... money is used only for lighting fires, because how else are you going to roast a whole mastodon?
... sepia tone is prevalent.
... hoodies and houseshoes are the proper attire.
... there are no clocks or locks.
... campfires are more important than tv's.
... beer runs through streams and wine bottles are picked from trees.
... I own a horse and his name is "horse".
... we aren't worried about were we are, because it in the grand scheme it doesn't matter.

In my dreams we are who we want to be and it's not a bad thing...



(Originally written Oct 2010 )

Alcoholis Toomuchish

When every step feels like a marathon and the smell of anything sweet turns your face pale and your throat acidic. Sunlight burns your retinas like high powered lasers. If temperamental is your state of mind and your stomach is in knots you most likely have been afflicted by the hangover virus.

 The Hangover, scientific name Alcoholis Toomuchish, is a viral disease spread by a insect called the Dehydration Hornet. This particular hornet is not related to the normal run of the mill hornet in any way, shape, and/or form. Its actually more closely related to its cousin the Africanized Red Spotted Pygmy Mosquito. Once disturbed the Dehydration Hornet will stalk its pray from a distance silently until the said victim or victims falls asleep from exhaustion, that's when it strikes. Like gasoline to a fire the virus spreads through a victims body, coursing through the unlucky chaps veins like a tornado of fire and chainsaws. After only one sting the average adult victim is normally infected by Alcoholis Toomuchish. The virus has a incubation period depending on many variables including but not limited to: age, weight, and liquid intake; normally the time period for the virus to take hold is around 3-7 hours and may effect a person for up to 36 hours.

 But have I really been infected?  Probably.

If your symptoms include: nausea, vertigo, unexplainable injuries, dizziness, extreme narcolepsy, missing money, dental injuries, various moving violations, rashes or bumps, clothes malfunctions, sensitivity to light or sound, anger, vomiting, migrans, muscle twitches, divorce, contusions, disregard for human life, depression, missing friends, anxiety, fear, and death you have been infected.

Holy shittlesticks batman! I'm so screwed! How do I get rid of it?! Well Robin, first off cool your jets, I am no medical doctor but I did get a PHD from Willies online school of janitorial engineering so I am an expert at this subject. Step 1) acquire a low sugar, water based, electrolyte infused beverage. Step 1, Part B) Drink said liquid. Step 2) locate pants and attach them to your bottom half of your torso. Step 3) Shower, a freshly clean body always raises the moral level. Step 4) Secure a new pair of dry pants if you wore pants from Step 2 into the shower. Step 5) Nap all day. Preferably on a couch or a chair that is a equipped with a reclining option while some sort of entertainment on the television if you own one, I recommend something humorous as it will take your mind off of the previous nights poor choices.

Locations and actions you should never attempt whilst hungover- airplane rides, airports as a whole, musical plays, anything to with opera or showtime tunes, nascar races, pet stores, safaris, scuba diving, death metal concerts, time traveling, bobsledding fan club meet and greets, boxing matches, swampboat tours, rollercoasters, shooting ranges, mountain climbing, fencing tournaments, the entire city of Houston, Oprahs book club meetings, sugar refinery tours, gyms, pogo stick enthusiast clubs, anywhere bright, hot, or loud, yachts, international business meetings, the internet, swings and hammocks, presidential press conferences, the Home Depo, naval ship yards, lawn work in general, parkor challenges, hiking, tattoo parlors, skydiving, waterdiving, welding metal, wineries, lakes, oceans, rivers if they are more than ankle deep, pawnshops, hot air balloon rides, graveyards, and police stations.

Sit back, try to relax, and drink a beer... It'll cure what ales ya.

(Originally written Sep 2010, on a Florida-Texas airplane ride while hungover)

Christmas: the Holiday of Juggernaut Force

The madness starts in late summer with commercials and advertisements advising the general public that they shouldn’t wait until the last minute to hoard piles of gadgets, gizmos, and all things that beep and buzz for their friends, families, coworkers, loved ones, dogs, cats, ferrets and farm animals. Jesus’ birthday is near, let the party begin.

The consumer market couldn’t have planed this pyramid scheme any better than the way it naturally worked out; ‘Jesus died, buy gifts, spread love’ is the notion we in America have self inflicted upon ourselves. Early fall comes and lights are starting to go up, millions of them across the towns, the cities; farmhouses and high rises alike, covered in glittery bright power sucking bulbs. By Thanksgiving the holidays are in full force, if you had a dietary restriction on calories you have quit carrying about it and if you had a budget to help you stockpile gold or amass the necessary items for an apocalyptic tragedy you have bailed on this plan until the first pay check of the new years; the threat of a nearing zombie overthrow has taken a backseat to the need to buy your children toys that require 15 D-Cell batteries or the wife a ring with diamonds that could cut bullet proof glass in one sweep.

On December 1st the insanity starts to set in, people are saying “happy holidays” as a greeting and parting statement. There are dead and fake trees in peoples living rooms decorated with shiny glass bulbs ornaments and multicolored lights, because after all Jesus loves shiny glass bulbs. People are giving away their moldy old clothes and holiday sweaters (that almost no one wants) they haven’t worn in years because some poor unfortunate soul could use it more. There are the commercials amping up every red blooded American that they need, yes need, to run out to the stores and shop like cheetahs on redbull tallboys, spending at least three quarters of their yearly salary in the month on gifts or they are scrooges, grinches, bad parents, terrible friends, or a horrible pet owner because Fido really wanted that red and green colored doggie treat (never-mind the color blindness of dogs).

December 15th, ten days to Christmas. The sun rises and the holiday spirit crests the hill and picks up speeds of juggernaut force, by now the battle lines have been drawn; the majority of Americans have contingency plans for who they are going to spend Christmas with. The 23rd-26th is set in stone, routes of travel are decided, children are divvied up in divorced couples, pet sitters may be found, plane tickets are purchased flagrantly, trains are boarded, boxes are shipped, yuletide logs are acquired, and Santa hats are donned.

The ten days between the 15th and Christmas Day (or as I call it C-Day) children and adults alike lose their fucking minds. This is a rare joyous occasion after all, it’s not like it happens every year or anything... There are people on the streets with bells asking for money to give to the homeless. People are spending what little money is left in their checking accounts and racking up credit card bills that an economist would have an aneurism over. There are grown men, fat jolly men, in every mall dressed up in all red with a ridiculously large fake beards asking children to sit on their laps and tell them what they want on the magical Christmas Day, their parents are normally encouraging this behavior. The delusion is taking hold on society. Hope is lost for normalcy until at least the 2nd of January.

Christmas Eve comes and insanity hits full throttle, there is no stopping this roller coaster of monetary loss and lies now. Kids are going nuts asking their parents to open their colorful piles of boxes and sacks full of what they hope is the answer to what will make them happy forever, although forever in their minds is about the lifespan of a sea monkey or maybe mosquito. Even grown men are sucked into the “Holiday Cheer” and get giddy and excited about silly colorful boxes. Parents convince their children to leave out milk and cookies so the magical fat guy from the mall can break into their house and leave gifts (this is just bad parenting in my opinion, my kids will be trained to take this Santa guy out if he breaks into our house, I don’t care if he is a Saint. Hasn’t he heard of Fedex? What an asshole.).

The next morning far before the sun rises and farmers get up to tend to cows, horses, and crops children across the globe get up early and wake up their family so they can see what the robbing thieving milk addicted Saint Nick brought them. There is much excitement from ages zero and up, there is copious amounts of violent ripping and tearing of wrapping paper and cardboard to get at their brand new shiny buzzing battery needing blinking loud expensive chinese made whatcha-ma-call-it’s. The minutes after opening gifts in a fit of shear rage is comparative to the endorphin high one receives after a particularly raunchy love making session, you sit there in awe and take in the destruction of the room.  Christmas is now over. Like a recovering addict you must now reinvent your life, take down decorations, stop wearing stupid Christmas themed sweaters, and rid yourself of dead tree’s in the living room.


Happy Holidays everyone, all kidding aside.


(Originally written December 26th 2010)

Life as I know it

Life is one amazing mass of events. Humans, yes us, we are reactionary creatures. We live for our next fix on what we are personally addicted too, whether its an emotion, action, or a tangible object. We just stumble through this great white blinding existence. Anyone who claims otherwise is either ignorant, stupid, or otherwise content in their being. Me on the other hand will never stop dreaming; dreaming about what's next, dreaming about the past, dreaming about what could be, and dreaming about what never will be.... But mostly just dreaming.

I myself am a generally happy man, I attribute this to my mantra and mindset- I don't place much stock in anything but facts and optimism.

My take on mistakes- There is nothing wrong with simple mistakes; mistakes make a man and make this same man realize what is truly right and wrong... They also make a boy realize what is worth fighting over and what is worth just letting slide.

I am no philosopher but I think strong ideals breed even stronger goals. But what exactly is a goal? Is it an idea? Or a plan? Or is it just a way of life? These are all personal answers, only you can answer them.

We are all stumbling, we are looking for what/who we are. Go seek it and be happy with whom you find along the way.

(Originally written early December 2010)